a notice; ⋆｡°✩

it is a Cool thing to feel one's feelings. anything, — even something that turns your stomach and leads you to the questions you had never before thought to ask. there was a time when i believed that once you returned to yourself, everything would grow quiet, leaving you calm and alert. but in truth, that only made me more vulnerable to the Grief, sleeping in my chest. and yet, this is a truly beautiful thing. grief is a word that sometimes arrives without warning. it shocks, pulsates, screams, tries to sabotage; then it hugs, whispers. grief makes you feel alive.

so, here i am — dreaming, hoping, loving deeply. but at nights, my heart becomes so full that it pounds against its own edges, threatening to break them. i did not know what was happening at first, but i do now. this is Grief. it was hiding all along, even when I remained so quiet. only now has it begun to turn metallic, noisy, sharp. being honest, i have grown tired; it feels as though i have never truly rested in years. strange, uncontrollable, even silly. yet i have grown so comfortable with this idea of feeling blue sometimes… i love this colour. yes, if i were a colour, i would be Blue — searching for it constantly in my texts and sounds; it has become part of my identity. and it is funny to think that those who have never met the real me see me as the most optimistic person ever. and i am! but not all the time. i am a real Person. i grieved for a long time, and only when i allowed myself to be fully me — as in Me— did i let it all out.

but here is the difference. now, i am simply trying to just let it all happen as it goes.

x.